Fat Jeans

I’m a little fired up this week. I’m a pretty passionate person, but it usually does take quite a lot to push me over the edge. I’m there now, teetering on the precipice.

Here’s the lowdown.

I went to Meijer on Sunday to go grocery shopping. While there I decided to go look for some new jeans. (Don’t judge – girls on a budget have to shop for clothes where they can afford it.) Last year I bought three pair of great fitting, comfortable, and stylish jeans at the Thrifty Acres, and I was hoping to get the exact same jeans this year. I was shocked to discover that not only does Meijer NO LONGER carry the jeans I like, but they also only had ONE BRAND of denim in their plus size section. Wait, WHAT??!! One brand. Three different “styles”.

In disbelief I wandered into the “regular” size section. There were literally HUNDREDS of jeans on display.

Blatant FAT DISCRIMINATION.

Not only that, but there were HUNDREDS of jeans in the MEN’s section as well – even plus size men had several options to choose from. Why can’t Meijer help a sister out?

It really got me thinking about the war against fat people in this fine nation of ours. Unless I shop at “plus size” stores, I have extremely limited options in finding clothes at a store. Sure, I can buy online all I want, but it’s next to impossible to get the right fit without first trying something on. What is really crazy about this whole situation is that I saw SEVERAL other women my size in Meijer that day. Where the heck do all those beautiful, bountiful, luscious women shop?

I understand. According to my doctors I’m “morbidly obese”. I’m working on it, but I do need some stuff to wear in the meantime. (That doesn’t include sweatpants and big t-shirts, the fat person staples.) When the majority of our country is overweight by a few pounds, why is it so hard to find clothing that is of good quality, well-made, and at a reasonable cost? I REFUSE to stuff myself into clothing, too. No muffin topping for this chick.

Argh. I'm pretty sure those jeans AREN'T her size.

My wish is to go into a store, any store, and be able to walk out with something to wear. Easy peasy, lemon squeezy. That’s my goal for this coming year. To get to a size that does not require hours of research and reconnaissance before shopping. Will I be happier at that point? Not sure. I’m pretty confident that I’ll find something else to get fired up about…

Back in the Saddle

How many times have I said, “this is the last time I’m going to go to McDonald’s!”, or “I am absolutely committed to healthy living!”, or “I’m going to lose (x number of lbs) by (this date). I really should learn to stop making these blanket statements, as I believe I’m becoming the boy who cried wolf (or rather the girl who cried skinny). I shouldn't ever live in absolutes, because I’m human. I make mistakes, I fall off the horse, and I’m not perfect. The only statement I can make, which is absolutely true, is that I’m absolutely flawed in a lot of ways. Again, I've fallen off the horse.

 I have a lot of other friends who have committed to a lifestyle that I admire. They are living, breathing proof that commitment and perseverance are possible, and that even the most seemingly unobtainable goals are possible. There’s one friend who is a successful Beachbody Coach, selling Shakeology and coaching others in lifestyle changes. Another friend is a vegan. Seriously, a vegan, and she’s GREAT at it. Still another friend who has gone from no exercise to biking in world-renowned races, and is in the best shape of his life (in his 50’s).

And yet, there’s me. Whatever are we gonna do with me? I’m fat again. I've not been going to the gym at all. And I’m so, so very tired of the way I look.

Today I really feel like I've been hit by a bus. I’m so tired, I’m bloated, my eyes hurt, and I've had just about enough of this week. I just wanted to let you know that I’m still here, and still plugging along. School has started again, and Jameson is doing well. I just finished coaching soccer, and am in rehearsals for the Thornapple Players musical revue, set to debut this weekend. I am fostering kittens, loving on my dogs, and kissing up my cats. I am still living life… maybe not the best way that I can, but the best way that I know how, at this moment. I hope ya’ll are still with me, and still interested in this bumpy journey of mine. I’m still with all of you, and encourage your stories and comments.

I've decided to get back in the saddle. Wish me luck, that this next go around will be successful. I’m not promising anything… but I can promise that I’ll start writing again, and trying to help others where I can. 

Not Alone

I’m pretty sure there are many among us who are completely rocked by the death of Robin Williams, the comedic genius who brought such joy into our lives. It is such a tragic loss, not only for those who enjoyed his work, but also for the family that he left behind. His death, while incredibly sad, brings up a lot of questions and thoughts… and sheds a light on depression and the effects of that horrible disease. The legacy of Mr. Williams is his work on stage and screen, and his battle with a largely misunderstood and terrible illness.

Naturally, it got me thinking about myself and others who might be suffering in silence.

I take a drug called Zoloft. I've taken it for years, and just recently have considered weaning off of it (with a doctor’s supervision, of course). I began taking this drug when I started have major anxiety issues, which manifested in shortness of breath and tightening in my chest. I could not breathe, got faint and dizzy, and this was happening almost every day. I was scared and frustrated. I sought help, talked to my doctor and my therapist, and was prescribed a pill. While medicating my issues has never been entirely OK with me, the Zoloft does help, but I’m beginning to realize that it’s just masking some bigger problems.

I’m often sad. I’m emotional. I take things personally, and never fully trust anyone. I’m afraid people don’t like me, and are talking behind my back. The thought of staying in bed all day is not only appealing to me, but I actually yearn for the chance. I do incredibly stupid things that are detrimental to my life. Sometimes I don’t take care of myself, and my feelings definitely manifest in how I care for my home. In short, while I no longer have anxiety attacks thanks to the Zoloft, I have a whole basket full of other “crazy” to deal with.

Sound familiar?

I guarantee I’m not the only one. Am I the only person who is saying it out loud? Maybe. But I’m not the only one who struggles with depressed feelings and anxiety. I’m not the only person who eats her feelings, even when she’s trying to lose weight. I’m not the only woman out there who daily sabotages her life with erratic and damaging behavior. I've definitely fallen off the wagon this summer, fully aware that I am eating bad stuff and not getting to the gym… and not caring at all. A symptom of a bigger issue, for sure. I KNOW I’M NOT THE ONLY ONE.

You aren’t the only one either.

My point? We don’t have to go it alone. Ever. If there isn’t someone currently in your life to talk with about some of your own issues, then call me. If you feel sad, tired, and out of control, but don’t know what to do about it, email me (merrittwithmerit@gmail.com). Life is way too short to suffer in silence, or to be ashamed of something that so many others deal with daily.

As Mr. Williams says in Dead Poets Society, carpe diem. Let’s seize this day as one to be happy with. Let’s do it together. 

TIME, TIME, TIME, see what’s become of me…

I am having one helluva TIME making TIME for myself. This is has become incredibly apparent in the recent month, when I’ve been unable to make TIME to get to the gym. People have begun to notice. There is whispering, taunting, disdain. My pass card for the gym is covered with dust. It’s becoming a real problem.

So here’s the thing. I’m a single mother. I have a nine-year-old boy, two dogs, and four cats. And fish (can’t forget the fish). I have a lot of responsibilities which fall squarely on only my shoulders, which are not limited to, but include spending quality TIME with my kiddo, taking the dogs to the park, grocery shopping, making dinner, doing laundry, cleaning, or just flopping down exhaustedly on the bed after a busy, tough day. Often I’m so tired by the end of my full-TIME work week that Saturdays and Sundays are a bust, and only used for recuperation.

I used to make TIME during my lunch hour to go to the gym, which was very convenient. My father (who I live with) was home to hang with the dogs, my kiddo was at the babysitter’s house, and I was able to eat my lunch at my desk. However, for six weeks every summer, I am required to go home during my lunch hour to care for the animals. Gym TIME – gone. Hopefully now with Daddio’s return, I’ll be able to get back on that schedule.

I know what you’re thinking: that it’s just a ½ hour to an hour every day, and that it shouldn’t be hard to carve out that much TIME for myself. Let me tell you though – IT IS. I do not have a husband to take care of the kid, my home, or my pets for me. I do not have an older kid who doesn’t care when I’m home, or not. He still wants to spend TIME with me, and that’s fleeting and priceless. I do not WANT to take TIME away from my child, simply because he’s my job, and my responsibility. (And I love him.)

So what is the solution? Freeze my gym membership and work out with Jameson? That could work, but accountability goes out the window, and I also wouldn’t have access to the quality equipment that the gym offers (of my lovely friends who work there).  Realize that life is short and I NEED TO MAKE TIME FOR MYSELF? Easier said than done. Just frickin’ suck this up and get ‘er done? Hmmm…

It’s a conundrum, folks. Any creative suggestions are appreciated. 

As an afterthought, I figured you’d all want to know that I’m still down 20 lbs, with 80 more to go in the next year. I hope to be a svelte MILF (too much?) by my 40^th birthday, and am still working toward that goal!

Facepalm

Lately I've really been feeling like I can't do anything right. To be fair, I've not really been putting in the effort to get even mediocre life results, so I'm not really surprised. 

The week leading up to my vacation I didn't hit the gym. At all. I told myself that I was too busy, had too many things to do before leaving, and didn't have the time to spare. Basically I just didn't feel like going.

During my week of vacation I ate whatever I wanted, as much as I wanted, and didn't care one single bit about what I was eating, or how it would affect my body. 

I drank. A lot. Every day. I wasn't soused my entire vacation, but I didn't resist the adult beverages that Wisconsin had to offer.

I wallowed in sadness. I let my woes get the best of me. I was not intentional in my words or actions. 

This week, most likely due to my lethargic and apathetic behavior, I'm feeling bone-tired and uninspired. Big shocker, right? But you know what is so frickin' great? Tomorrow is a new day, and there are more right behind it. I get to recharge, reinvigorate, and reinvent myself EVERY DAY if I want to. 

My facepalms do not define me. 

Body Image Boot Camp - Assignment #2: Have some SEX.

I've been looking into some studies regarding the benefits of sex, and was pleased to note that there are several. Research has shown that regular sex (1-2 times a week) reduces stress, boosts your immune system, and elevates your mood. Not only that, but sex is good for your heart, and you burn 5 calories per minute during the act, which is mild to moderate exercise. (Hey, it’s better than sitting in front of the TV!)

This got me thinking about all the reasons that people are having sex… and not having it. A lot of you are lucky to be in loving, committed relationships and marriages. Some of you I know have sex all the time, while others, despite your happiness together, almost never have intercourse. Why is that? Sex should be a natural, instinctual, loving, and calming act, so why are there so many of us who don’t get busy on a regular basis?

Correct me if I’m wrong, but I think our body image is one HUGE reason. How many times have you asked to have the lights off, or just faked a headache to avoid the inevitable judgment of your muffin top or thunder thighs?  Ever suddenly become “very busy” when the urge strikes your partner because you had a big dinner and are bloated? Feeling sexy and beautiful (or handsome) is a huge turn-on… but when you don’t feel that way, saying yes to S-E-X is difficult at best.

I really don’t have any good advice to combat this problem; we all have body image issues, whether we are stick thin or obese, but I do have a simple solution: SCREW IT. Your Body Image Boot Camp assignment for this week is to have sex. Lots of it.

Instigate sex. Wear sexy underwear. Leave the lights on.

Because here’s the thing - I’m sure the reason your partner wants to copulate with you have VERY LITTLE to do with your body, and A LOT to do with wanting to get laid. Oh, and how much they love, respect, and care for you. So say yes. Open your mouth and ask for it. Answer the door naked. And completely forget, for just a little while, about your body.

Oh, and if you don’t currently have a partner, you know what to do. Love yourself. A glass of wine, some good music, perhaps a good book (50 Shades?), and you’re on your way.

Best of luck! Let’s get it on!

Fighting the Good Fight

My body and I are locked in the ultimate battle for control of my tissues… and I’m losing miserably.

According the www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au, fluid retention is described as follows:

Fluid retention (oedema) occurs when fluid isn't removed from the body tissues, including the skin. Causes include the body’s reaction to hot weather, a high salt intake, and the hormones associated with the menstrual cycle. Symptoms include swelling of body parts such as feet, hands, and ankles, a feeling of stiffness or aching and weight fluctuations. Drinking plenty of water will actually help your kidneys to flush out excess fluid.

I am raising my hand right now and calling foul. It’s not fair that I've been working so hard to feel lighter and healthier, and my body pays me back by retaining up to FIVE POUNDS of extra fluid. For this entire week I've felt heavy, bloated, and tired. I've gained FIVE POUNDS. I have swollen sausage fingers and divots in my shins. What’s next? Locusts?

I’m sure that many of you agree that living a healthier life is a cycle of forward and back steps. Not everyone is comfortable all the time and even skinny, fit folks fight this same battle against fluid retention. I’m definitely not the only person who suffers this plight. I’m just the loudest right now. In an effort to help others, and hopefully to rid myself of excess weight, I have done a little research and will share it RIGHT NOW!

1. Eat bananas. I thought I’d start with the easiest one. Bananas are loaded with potassium which makes them a quick, no-nonsense way to help your body get rid of excess fluid.

2. Eat cabbage. Um, no. In preparation for entering the military my ex-husband ate nothing but cabbage soup for a week. The house smelled like farts. I will no longer eat cabbage.

3. Drink LOTS OF WATER. Drinking water kick starts your kidneys and gets them working more efficiently. Some call this the waterfall diet. I've been to the bathroom 65 ½ times today.

4. Drink other stuff like evening primrose tea or cranberry juice.

5. Cut back on dehydrating drinks such as coffee and alcohol. This is a tough one. Good luck.

6. Cut out excess salt and avoid salty foods. Sodium is a silent killer, my friends. I've never known something that tastes so delicious yet is so very bad for a body in so many ways. Cut it out, or at least cut back.

7. Exercise. Don’t you find that exercise is a pretty common remedy for most of what ails ya? Just saying, it pops up all the time, so there must be some truth to its efficacy.

8. Try all-natural, over-the-counter water pills. It’s worth a try, right?

So, that’s about all I've got – a comprehensive list of tried and true methods of fighting the bloat. If any of you out there have other suggestions, I’m dying to hear them! Please post them in comments here, or message me on FB. I’m going to try them all… after I get back from the bathroom.

As Promised...

I was a little bummed that only FOUR brave souls shared their selfies with me... but all four were definitely worth it. The pictures came from women that I never could have guessed would participate (and a couple I didn't even know read my blog). I'm so honored and blessed to share these snippets with you! 

The first photo is from someone who loves her eyes. They change with the color of her outfit, and now that she's found Beach Body, they are wide open with energy and sparkle. 

The thing I adore about this second photo is the smile in her eyes. I have always noticed that this women smiles with her entire face. It's beautiful to behold. 

This lovely being cropped the part of her face that she most likes when she smiles. I agree. She is funky, spontaneous, and lives life to the fullest. It shows.

Last, but definitely not least, is a smile that I see often, and it absolutely brightens my day every time. I could name a million other things about her that are special, but I'm glad she picked this one!

Wow. All four of these women are GORGEOUS to me. Each one is brave, fearless, and selfless. Some are on a similar journey, and all admitted to having body issues at one time or another. How sad that we critique ourselves daily, instead of embracing our unique and delightful features. 

I'd like to encourage more of you to take a selfie. Really look at it. You don't even have to share it, but I bet you can find at least one thing that you like, if not love, about yourself. Good luck, and best wishes. More Body Image Boot Camp to come - I hope you'll stay tuned!

One Bad Apple (Spoils the Bunch)

Or, in this case, one bad weekend. My forward momentum was interrupted this weekend by the perfect storm of bad choices.

First Bad Choice: Starting the weekend on Thursday with dinner out and a few drinks. That sounds bad – it was only three beers, but that’s three beers too many, considering I broke my own rule, which is NO DRINKING DURING THE WEEK. I really love beer, especially Michigan craft brews, and it’s my one weakness. I could go months without chocolate or cake, could go years without ice cream, but beer is so very yummy.

Second Bad Choice: Continuing my downward spiral on Friday. I had a perfectly healthy day, and ordered a great dinner at Uccello’s. You know, the great dinner that was completely ruined by the BEER. Ugh.

Third Bad Choice: Not exercising at all. Enough said. I spent Saturday in my room watching old TV on my Kindle. I cleaned a little, but didn’t stray too far from the little boob tube. One trip to the gym or a walk in my neighborhood would have erased even a little of what I was subjecting my body to, but I couldn’t summon the will to move. In my defense, my time of the month hit me REALLY hard that day. I know excuses suck, but I’m sticking to it.

Fourth Bad Choice: Going to another bonfire on Saturday. At Wendy’s house, with Becky. Need I say more? But it was so fun, and I really did need to drink to fit in socially. Right? Please disregard the fact that Becky is a non-drinker, and she had just as much fun as I did.

Fifth Bad Choice: Not working out on Sunday either. I suck.

Sixth Bad Choice: Making healthy choices when I did eat, but not eating often enough and not eating enough, period. I would go until noon, eat some fruit, drink some water, and then not eat again until dinner. No Bueno. I did eat the crap out of some delicious hummus at Wendy’s bonfire (still waiting for that recipe).

Anyway, the perfect storm of bad choices set me back FOUR POUNDS. Granted, some of that is water weight, but really, it was just me not being conscientious enough to put on the breaks and back up the horse (not to mix metaphors). So let me drop some knowledge on ya’ll… IT’S OK TO BACKSLIDE A LITTLE IF YOU CORRECT YOUR COURSE AND MOVE FORWARD AGAIN.

I started anew on Monday. Had a great day of eating deliciously healthy things, and working out. As Becky will say, “Whenever you’re red-faced and sweaty, you know you’ve had a good workout.” Well, that was me today. Red-faced and sweaty, and loving every minute of it.

Just a reminder! Please send in your cropped selfies to merrittwithmerit@gmail.com, or to my FB Messenger. I would really love to share them (anonymously), and move on to our second Body Image Boot Camp assignment!

Body Image Boot Camp - Assignment #1: Selfie Nation

I sang at an open mic last night, and a friend recorded my performance. I took one look at the video and was instantly grossed-out by my appearance. I sounded great, but was so disappointed in how I looked. No matter how much weight I’ve lost (I can barely keep my pants up today), and no matter how my body feels (lighter, more agile), I still see that fat chick when I look at that video. God – it’s just horrifying.

I don’t know about you, but I also hate having my picture taken. Usually it’s a surprise, and I never, ever look good. However, I do take quite a few “selfies”. Of course, they always take me several tries before landing on one I actually like, and would even consider sending to someone.

So here’s my idea.

Step One: Let’s all take one. Let’s take just one selfie. You can take a picture of your head, your shoulders, or your feet – I don’t care – but take just one picture of yourself. DO NOT RETAKE THE PICTURE. Stick with your original.

Step Two: Look at the selfie. I mean, really look at it. 

Step Three: Pick out one thing about your selfie that you can HONESTLY say that you like. Granted, this might be the worse selfie in the history of the stupid convention, but you have to find at least ONE thing about your picture that is good.

Step Four: Crop the picture down to your favorite thing.

Step Five: Send it to my email address (merrittwithmerit@gmail.com) to be posted anonymously on my blog, or to your Facebook page with the caption: “I love my ______”. I will post our Body Image Boot Camp selfies at the end of next week.

As an example, here’s a selfie I took recently.

And now here’s my cropped version, with the caption: “I love my lips”.

This task is not supposed to be difficult. I know all of you, and know that you have such beautiful qualities to share. Please, share them with us!!

Changing the Blueprint

There are days when I really do feel like a shining example of health and wellness. I eat right, I go to the gym, and I drop pounds like they’re hot. However, there are other days when I look in the mirror and still see a fat person. It makes no difference that my clothes are starting to get too big, or that the scale gives me good news every day. I could walk around feeling awesome, and then see myself in a picture or in the window reflection, and I’m instantly obese. I find it so sad that I defeat myself this way.

I have lost 18 lbs since I made a new commitment to health. I have established a new schedule, have made working out a priority, and have really changed the way I eat, and what I eat. I feel great – really so much better than I did even a month ago. The changes I've made are positive, life-affirming, and REAL. If I were a better person, I would be happy with the progress I've made, and not concern myself with outside appearances. If I were a better person.

How can I be a shining example of health and wellness when in my heart I still think I look like a failure?

Please know that I am not fishing for compliments. Really, I’m not. I only write what I have because I KNOW there are others out there who feel the EXACT same way. If we still feel the same way we've always felt on the inside, it really doesn't matter how good we look on the outside, am I right?

I think it’s time for me to change my blueprint, and to challenge some of you to do the same. It’s time for us to start reprogramming our brains to accept what we see in the mirror as just what we are INSIDE – not fat or thin – just us. I’m working toward a better image, but right now, my reflection is… just me. I already love myself on the inside. I’m kind, funny, and dynamic. I’m loud and impertinent. I’m joyful and I laugh from my toes. Maybe I need to train myself to see those qualities in the mirror, and nothing else. Wish me luck. I wish you the same. 

Today starts Image Boot Camp for me, and hopefully for you. I will try my hardest to feel as confident about my appearance as I do about my personality. It'll take some work. It'll be hard. But it'll be worth every single glimpse. 

Exercise As Therapy

I have a lot on my mind, all the time. I’ve never been a person who could just “turn off” – if I’m awake, I’m thinking. And thinking. And then thinking some more.  Of course it’s not always deep thoughts that keep my mind occupied – it’s often random, worrisome, or trivial thoughts that just won’t quit.

These thoughts are commonplace:

“Shit, I forgot to buy toothpaste again.”

“Well if you’re going to drive like a moron, I’m going to pass you.”

“Why is she looking at me like that?”

“If I go to the gym at lunch, I can do the dog park and cook dinner early.”

“Why are some people suck assholes?”

“Am I getting my period?”

“Did he really just say that?”

“Apparently muffin tops are in, based on what I see on the street.”

“Will I ever have sex again?”

One thing that I’ve found to be very helpful is EXERCISE. I find it strange that I always shied away from actually getting a workout in, when it’s really made me feel so good. I’ve found that the 20 – 50 minutes I spend working out every day is quiet time for my brain. Eureka! Whole moments go by without a single thought. I close my eyes and only hear my breathing and my music, and often I don’t remember what I was even listening to. It’s heaven to have a quiet mind, if only for a short time.

Exercise has become my daily therapy. I’ve come to relish those short moments when I don’t have to worry about anything, when no one is asking me for something, and when I’m only responsible for myself and no one else. Those precious moments of total self-commitment are really priceless. By the way, I’m down thirteen pounds since I started this new journey. Therapy is really paying off. 

Wish In One Hand

An acquaintance of mine has a saying, which is, “Wish in one hand and shit in the other. Which one do you think will fill up first?” I think that saying is a great illustration of the reality of wishing versus doing. It’s the whole, “shit or get off of the pot” mentality, that so many of us are lacking. I’ve known a lot of dreamers in my day; people with their heads in the clouds, constantly wishing and hoping, and even praying for the things they want, or don’t have. Interestingly enough, it’s always those people who never achieve their goals. If you sit around and wish into your hand, all you’ll get is an empty hand.

I actually do have a long list of wishes. None of which I’ve never articulated, but will do so now. Hopefully getting these wishes and dreams into print will be a little motivation to make them happen. It’s time to get off the pot, folks.

1. I wish I was thinner.  Duh. You all know this one already. My plan is actually in action right now. I’m exercising, walking with my kiddo, and enjoying life. I’m eating well, and avoiding things I know are not good for me. I am no longer sitting on my duff lamenting the current state of my being. Moving, doing, achieving this wish is liberating.

2. I wish beer didn’t have any calories. OK. This one will never happen, but I think it’s a good wish.

3. I wish I could rollerblade. Seriously – I’m not good. I’m going to practice, though, and get better.

4. I wish people were nicer to each other. I have a friend that is so nice to other people. He starts conversations. He laughs, and makes people feel at ease. He’s a great person to pattern behavior after, when it comes to the greater good. I have decided that to try to make people nicer to each other, I have to be kinder myself. Watch out… hugging might be next.

5. I wish I wasn’t so emotional. On one hand, I love that I’m emotional. I laugh OUT LOUD always. I smile at people I pass, and always tell people what they mean to me and how I feel about them. My problem is, I really, really want people to reciprocate my emotion, and end up being disappointed and disillusioned. I CANNOT TAKE THIS ANYMORE. I vow that in order to achieve this wish, I will give my feelings freely, without thought or expectation of return. This, my friends, is the only clear path.

4. I wish I was a priority in someone’s life. Wow. This is a hard one. I have spent my entire life putting others feelings and wishes ahead of my own. I hope that someday I can find someone who will think of me first. I hope that there is someone out there in this big world that wants to be my partner, my lover, my protector, my caretaker, and my friend. I expect to achieve this wish by being honest, authentic, real, and irreplaceable. It’s a start, right? I’m fully aware that this dream may never come to fruition, but at least I’ll be a better person for the trying.

 So here’s the thing. Can we try to fulfill our wishes together? Share your wishes with me, and I’ll be happy to help, as long as you’re ready to work a little.

The Pursuit of Happiness

I've never really been a happy person. There were days when I can honestly say I was happy (when my son was born leads the pack), but for the most part, I've been a relatively grouchy individual. Negative. Sarcastic. Gloomy some might say.

I was once bound by so many chains. More than I care to count, really. My baggage was large and heavy, and it affected everyone around me. My house became a disaster area, full of clutter and dirt. My office was a misery – and getting up for work every morning a struggle. My son was unhappy and acting out at school, and my father and I barely talked.

My life was a waste of time. My gloom showed in pounds of fat.

But here is what I've come to realize:  If we hug all of the world’s negativity to our chests, we have no room for joy. If we bury our heads in the ground like a cowardly ostrich, we’ll never see the sun. If we let grudges and sadness overwhelm us, we’ll never be able to come up for air. Depression, unhappiness, stress – these are all chains to ground us, hold us down, and keep us from our goals and dreams.

I will longer let negativity, unhappiness, spinelessness, and stress rule my life.

I will ride like the wind on my bike.

I will breathe in the fresh air and soak up the sunshine.

I will dance in the rain.

I will cultivate deeper relationships with people I care about.

I will be kind to all people no matter what the circumstance.

I will finally live my life, not let it live me.

I will do all this, and more, while embracing a healthier lifestyle and loving myself. I think I deserve this life. I hope I can prove it.

My Name Is Erin, and I'm a Food Addict

I have fortunately never been addicted to drugs or alcohol. Maybe I tried a little pot in high school, and had some very blurry nights in my Roaring 20’s, but I’ve never felt compelled to drink or smoke. I’ve never tried any heavy drugs. I was a smoker for several years, but kicked that “habit” by myself.  In fact, if someone told me today that I HAD to give up craft beer or a glass of wine before bed, I really think I could do it quite easily. I wouldn’t like it, but I could do it.

My addiction is food.

In the past, when the going got rough, I turned to food. I’m sure you remember those gloriously flattering posts about me stuffing my face when I was sad, when I was happy, and let’s be honest, when I was feeling just normal. Food was my go-to drug to calm the growing depression inside me – and I was (and am) addicted.

I had already started eating for comfort when I was in my early 20’s. I suffered a devastating break-up, was living alone, hated my job, and was really in a bad place. Late night episodes of carb loading were the norm, and I always felt just a little dirty afterward. When I got divorced, things got just a little worse. I was a single mother, home owner, and sole supporter, and all of a sudden had to do everything for and by myself and my kid.

Then my mom died, and I truly and completely fell under the spell of food.

I ate ALL THE TIME. Pasta, fast food, whole pints of ice cream… and I ate alone, so no one would know. I have gained 100 lbs since my divorce, most of it over the last five years. My addiction is deep, and woven into the very fabric of my life. Because of my addiction, and my weight gain, I had successfully convinced myself that I was unworthy of love (have another chocolate bar), that I would remain alone for the duration of my life (Sausage McMuffin and large Coke), and that I would never achieve happiness (full bowl of pasta). It was OK – I felt like I didn’t deserve to be happy anyway (late night pizza).

Not anymore.

I can happily say that I successfully navigated a wonderfully thrilling and terribly sad weekend without indulging even one time. I ate for fuel, and not for comfort. I ate for enjoyment, and tasted some really nice things, but didn’t overdo it.  I took a major step in breaking my cycle of addiction, and I couldn’t be more pleased.  I don’t have a monkey on my back – it’s a donut as big as my head. And it’s time to throw it off.

I think I’m on the road to becoming addicted to being HAPPY and HEALTHY. I’m no longer interested in being alone, or going another eight (gulp) years without someone in my life. I want to become addicted to love, and sharing my time, not sharing a cinnamon roll. I want to spend as much time as I can with my friends – not eating out, but walking, biking, hiking, and talking. I want to spend QUALITY time with my son, exploring, boating, and running.

I want to become addicted to living. I think I’m on my way.

Adventures in PiYo

I’m sure many of you know my secret – I’m not very brave, but I talk and act a good game. Sometimes this is good; my false bravado pushes me outside of my comfy little box so that I try new things or have great new experiences. Other times, not so good. There have been times when my mouth is writing checks that my body can’t cash.

That’s why it’s always good to know your limitations; to know what you realistically can (and can’t) do. In the past I’ve heard  myself saying, “Oh yeah, I’ll do that Mud Run”, or “I’ll get those rollerblades – it’ll be fun.” Guess what? I should have realized my limitations and SHUT MY MOUTH. Like saying to Jameson last night, “I might even RUN the mile with you at Summerfest.” WTF, Erin. Shut up!

I am in NO WAY implying that the Mud Run wasn’t a huge blast (when it was over), or that I’m not looking forward to getting stronger and more agile so I can make those rollerblades my bitch. But that’s my point exactly – while my mind is strong, my body is still weak. While I may want to do all the great things I commit to (and visualize myself doing), I still need to be mindful of the fact that I just can’t do everything. Yet.

That brings me to Tuesday night, when I attended my first PiYo class, which is a combination of Pilates, Yoga, and stretching. It was hard. I mean, really pretty hard. When people first hear about this class, I think they imagine a serene, relaxing workout, with soft music, easy stretches, and New Age love, light, and flower petals. Well, in some ways, on point: The teacher is excellent, and really knows her stuff. Her explanations and modifications are really easy to follow, and she speaks in a calming voice. The lights are off, the overhead fans are on, and we work on cushy mats.

Then the planks start. Planks! Yikes. And the bouncing. Oh, the bouncing.

The class was hard. I was sweating my butt off, and sore the following day. I felt awfully BIG and AWKWARD for most of the class. BUT I DID IT. The whole class! And while I didn’t do ALL the moves, because of my body limitations, I did a variation of each one, and participated completely.  You see, it’s OK to modify and adjust during any sort of exercise, as long as you don’t quit. I met my limitations, and adjusted. I listened to my body, and cashed the check, folks.

And did the planks.

My Body Is Revolting

I know what you were thinking when you read that title; and, in truth, my body really is a bit revolting to look at (to me anyway). I’m slightly uncomfortable with the thought of anyone else catching sight of it as well. I can’t remember anyone ever referring to my body as a “wonderland”.

As self-deprecating as you think this post will be; however, it’s not the point I’m trying to make, which is: whenever I start to make healthier choices, my body puts up a fuss. It seems that without the steady stream of junk food, my body revolts. It just doesn’t know what to do with vegetables, fruits, and grains. My veins cry out for sludge in the form of a Sausage McMuffin. My pores yearn for French fries. The very core of my being says, “Hey – where did all the grease and fat go?”

This type of diet change brings with it some… uncomfortable side effects. There’s some gas. A little (a lot) of bloating. Stomach distress is common, and bathroom trips triple. Dead sexy, I know. Often, at the end of a long day, I feel like my body is, well, flipping me off.

In truth, it’s very simple. My body is as selfish as I am. It wants pizza, pasta, and ice cream by the boat load, just like I want all the good things in life. When faced with healthy eating choices, this vessel of mine turns up its nose in disgust. But another truth of the matter is (and listen close, my revolting body) that THIS TOO SHALL PASS.

As a lot of us know, there is a period of transition. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still the same clean, sweet smelling, peach of a girl I always was, but I might have to excuse myself just a few more times. Soon my body will accept only the occasional treat, and start to view a ripe, juicy apple as a great alternative to Snickers.

THIS TOO SHALL PASS. I hope. 

Mind. Blown.

“The line between failure and success is so fine that we scarcely know when we pass it – it’s so fine that we are often on the line and we do not know it. How many times have we thrown up our hands at a time when with a little more effort, a little more patience, we would have achieved success?” - Elbert Hubbard

A friend posted this quotation earlier today, and I think it’s so fitting for this journey that most of us are on. We walk such a fine line every day, making decisions that are seemingly harmless, but could potentially have such an impact on our success (or failure). And what is a decision, anyway?  Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary describes it as follows:

De-ci-sion           noun \du-‘si-zhen\

: a choice that you make about something after thinking about it: the result of deciding.

: the ability to make choices quickly and confidently.

So how do we go about make a decision, particularly one that is informed and comes from a firm foundation of knowledge and experience? How do I know what food to choose if I've not done all my research into the subject? How do I know what the best, most effective exercise is for me without exploring all my options? Just saying something is “healthy” doesn't make it so.

So I’ll read.

I’ll explore.

I’ll open my mind.

I’ll educate myself on what it means to make a healthy, informed decision. Without the knowledge to make an informed decision, the fine line we are walking between success and failure gets a lot thinner.

I've realized that I need to attack my lifestyle the same way that I do my job – with research, education, and a commitment to excellence. Every other way to effect a change in my life is no longer an option.  

And I’ll share it all with you. 

She's Baaaa-ack!

Hi Folks! It’s been a long time since I’ve written – mostly because my previous weight experiment went dismally, horribly wrong. I was embarrassed and sad. Ashamed. I felt like I had failed myself and all of you who were readers. Typical to form, I sabotaged myself by out-of-control eating, and am now just as heavy as I was before.

You know what’s really great, though? There’s this little thing called GRACE. Through the GRACE of my higher power, I know that I have another chance. I’m not giving up anymore – I’m going to take this second, third, (twentieth) chance and run with it. Hell, it might take me the rest of my life to get this healthy living right – but I’m going to keep trying.

The new goal is simple. JUST TRY. And if I fail again, I’LL TRY AGAIN. You read it here first, folks. The skinny girl inside is BAAAA-ACK… and she’s SCREAMING.