Adventures in PiYo

I’m sure many of you know my secret – I’m not very brave, but I talk and act a good game. Sometimes this is good; my false bravado pushes me outside of my comfy little box so that I try new things or have great new experiences. Other times, not so good. There have been times when my mouth is writing checks that my body can’t cash.

That’s why it’s always good to know your limitations; to know what you realistically can (and can’t) do. In the past I’ve heard  myself saying, “Oh yeah, I’ll do that Mud Run”, or “I’ll get those rollerblades – it’ll be fun.” Guess what? I should have realized my limitations and SHUT MY MOUTH. Like saying to Jameson last night, “I might even RUN the mile with you at Summerfest.” WTF, Erin. Shut up!

I am in NO WAY implying that the Mud Run wasn’t a huge blast (when it was over), or that I’m not looking forward to getting stronger and more agile so I can make those rollerblades my bitch. But that’s my point exactly – while my mind is strong, my body is still weak. While I may want to do all the great things I commit to (and visualize myself doing), I still need to be mindful of the fact that I just can’t do everything. Yet.

That brings me to Tuesday night, when I attended my first PiYo class, which is a combination of Pilates, Yoga, and stretching. It was hard. I mean, really pretty hard. When people first hear about this class, I think they imagine a serene, relaxing workout, with soft music, easy stretches, and New Age love, light, and flower petals. Well, in some ways, on point: The teacher is excellent, and really knows her stuff. Her explanations and modifications are really easy to follow, and she speaks in a calming voice. The lights are off, the overhead fans are on, and we work on cushy mats.

Then the planks start. Planks! Yikes. And the bouncing. Oh, the bouncing.

The class was hard. I was sweating my butt off, and sore the following day. I felt awfully BIG and AWKWARD for most of the class. BUT I DID IT. The whole class! And while I didn’t do ALL the moves, because of my body limitations, I did a variation of each one, and participated completely.  You see, it’s OK to modify and adjust during any sort of exercise, as long as you don’t quit. I met my limitations, and adjusted. I listened to my body, and cashed the check, folks.

And did the planks.

My Body Is Revolting

I know what you were thinking when you read that title; and, in truth, my body really is a bit revolting to look at (to me anyway). I’m slightly uncomfortable with the thought of anyone else catching sight of it as well. I can’t remember anyone ever referring to my body as a “wonderland”.

As self-deprecating as you think this post will be; however, it’s not the point I’m trying to make, which is: whenever I start to make healthier choices, my body puts up a fuss. It seems that without the steady stream of junk food, my body revolts. It just doesn’t know what to do with vegetables, fruits, and grains. My veins cry out for sludge in the form of a Sausage McMuffin. My pores yearn for French fries. The very core of my being says, “Hey – where did all the grease and fat go?”

This type of diet change brings with it some… uncomfortable side effects. There’s some gas. A little (a lot) of bloating. Stomach distress is common, and bathroom trips triple. Dead sexy, I know. Often, at the end of a long day, I feel like my body is, well, flipping me off.

In truth, it’s very simple. My body is as selfish as I am. It wants pizza, pasta, and ice cream by the boat load, just like I want all the good things in life. When faced with healthy eating choices, this vessel of mine turns up its nose in disgust. But another truth of the matter is (and listen close, my revolting body) that THIS TOO SHALL PASS.

As a lot of us know, there is a period of transition. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still the same clean, sweet smelling, peach of a girl I always was, but I might have to excuse myself just a few more times. Soon my body will accept only the occasional treat, and start to view a ripe, juicy apple as a great alternative to Snickers.

THIS TOO SHALL PASS. I hope. 

Mind. Blown.

“The line between failure and success is so fine that we scarcely know when we pass it – it’s so fine that we are often on the line and we do not know it. How many times have we thrown up our hands at a time when with a little more effort, a little more patience, we would have achieved success?” - Elbert Hubbard

A friend posted this quotation earlier today, and I think it’s so fitting for this journey that most of us are on. We walk such a fine line every day, making decisions that are seemingly harmless, but could potentially have such an impact on our success (or failure). And what is a decision, anyway?  Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary describes it as follows:

De-ci-sion           noun \du-‘si-zhen\

: a choice that you make about something after thinking about it: the result of deciding.

: the ability to make choices quickly and confidently.

So how do we go about make a decision, particularly one that is informed and comes from a firm foundation of knowledge and experience? How do I know what food to choose if I've not done all my research into the subject? How do I know what the best, most effective exercise is for me without exploring all my options? Just saying something is “healthy” doesn't make it so.

So I’ll read.

I’ll explore.

I’ll open my mind.

I’ll educate myself on what it means to make a healthy, informed decision. Without the knowledge to make an informed decision, the fine line we are walking between success and failure gets a lot thinner.

I've realized that I need to attack my lifestyle the same way that I do my job – with research, education, and a commitment to excellence. Every other way to effect a change in my life is no longer an option.  

And I’ll share it all with you. 

She's Baaaa-ack!

Hi Folks! It’s been a long time since I’ve written – mostly because my previous weight experiment went dismally, horribly wrong. I was embarrassed and sad. Ashamed. I felt like I had failed myself and all of you who were readers. Typical to form, I sabotaged myself by out-of-control eating, and am now just as heavy as I was before.

You know what’s really great, though? There’s this little thing called GRACE. Through the GRACE of my higher power, I know that I have another chance. I’m not giving up anymore – I’m going to take this second, third, (twentieth) chance and run with it. Hell, it might take me the rest of my life to get this healthy living right – but I’m going to keep trying.

The new goal is simple. JUST TRY. And if I fail again, I’LL TRY AGAIN. You read it here first, folks. The skinny girl inside is BAAAA-ACK… and she’s SCREAMING.

From Skinny to Rhombus

I just heard a comedian say that he has dated all sizes of women – from skinny to rhombus. That struck me as so clever, simply because I myself am shaped like a rhombus. 

 

 

Did you know that I used to be skinny? I weighed 110 lbs. when I graduated from high school. This, my darling friends, is the hardest part about being fat; knowing that I once was the opposite. I could go into ANY store and find clothes to fit me. I dated a very skinny boy once. We used to get bruises on our pelvic bones. Seriously.  I could wrap my hand around my wrist and my fingers would touch. I could climb stairs at will, all without heavy breathing, and could rehearse dance for hours without tire.

Friends once called me “The Body”. When I look at my physical condition NOW, it is next to impossible not to compare it with the beautiful body I had BEFORE.

 I’ve gone from skinny to rhombus.

Which brings me to the point of this post. In the interest of full disclosure, I wanted to let you know that I’ve made an appointment with a therapist. I am incapable of helping myself at this point, and I’m thankful to my sisters who finally pushed me in the right direction. When my sister commented that she “never wanted to come over and see me in bed again in the middle of the day”, I realized I really did have a problem. The problems that I’m having with my mind are directly affecting the problems I have with my body.

It’s time to get my house in order, friends. I’ve not lost more weight because I can hardly get out of bed in the morning, let alone get up to work out. I’ve not lost more weight because I’m not motivated to go to the grocery store, let alone look up recipes. I’ve not lost more weight because I give up on myself again, and again, and again. I am my biggest disappointment.

I want to go from rhombus to skinny.

Or at least smooth out the edges and go from rhombus to heart. Cause my heart and mind is what counts, right?  

 

Yeah, that’s a puppy with a heart. You’re welcome.

Mercy

Maybe that's what I need... just a little bit of mercy. I'm crying foul, sweet friends. There's a skinny girl inside me who is screaming, my life is a complete mess, and I'm really struggling.

I CAN'T GIVE UP.
I WILL NOT GIVE UP.
I REFUSE TO GIVE UP.

Don’t give up, I know you can see,
All the world and the mess that we’re making.
Can’t give up and hope God will intercede.
Come on back, imagine that we could get it together.

Stand up for what we need to be,
‘Cause crime won’t save or feed a hungry child.
Can’t lay down and wait for a miracle to change things,
So lift up your eyes, lift up your heart,

Singing, mercy will we overcome this?
Oh, one by one, could we turn it around?
Maybe carry on just a little bit longer,
And I’ll try to give you what you need.

Me and you, and you, and you just wanna be free,
But you see, all the world is just as we’ve made it;
And until we got a new world I’ve got to say,
That love is not a whisper or a weakness.

No, love is strong, so we got to get together.
Yeah, gotta get, gotta get, gotta get.
‘Til there is no reason to fight.

Mercy, will we overcome this?
Oh, one by one, could we turn it around?
Maybe carry on just a little bit longer,
And I’ll try to give you what you need.

Mercy, will we overcome this?
Have we come too far to turn it around?
Ask too much to be a little bit stronger,
But I wanna give you what you need.

Mercy, what will become of us?
Oh, one by one, could we turn it around?
Maybe carry on just a little bit longer,
And I’ll try to give you what you need.

Dave Matthews Band

$%&ing Excuses

Q: Why is it so hard for me to break these bad, unhealthy habits?

A: I’m mired in my own #$%&ing excuses and addictions.

 

I was talking with a friend the other day about how annoying it is for people to talk a good game but never follow through. While we were talking, I couldn’t help but think of myself and that I’m a perfect annoying example. I talk an awesome game. I never follow through.

I am a con-artist when it comes to losing weight.

Don’t get me wrong – I’m still down 10 Lbs from when I started. I got that far and just stopped, and I have so many #$%&ing excuses why:

                I had a really rough summer, emotionally.

                I was too busy to maintain a healthy lifestyle.

                I was experiencing issues with depression and found it hard to motivate myself.

                I was focusing on Jameson and not myself.

You know what the real reason is that I’ve not lost any more weight? I AM LAZY. It’s as simple as that. I LOVE BAD FOOD. Also very simple. I look at myself in the mirror and do not like what I see, but I cannot force myself to change. I want to be healthy, be in relationship, run and play games with my son, but I cannot force myself to move. Which begs the question… cannot, or will not?

I was recently watching a past season of The Amazing Race on the Kindle. I never thought about it before, but I realized that I COULD NEVER DO THAT. My buddy Becky could – she would rock that shit. My dear girls Dora and Sarah could bust that race out. Wendy would dominate and probably win the million. I was almost in tears, having finally come to the conclusion that I would never be able to make even one leg of that race.

 AND IT’S MY OWN DAMN FAULT.

So where do I go from here? How on earth can I succeed this time, when I’ve failed so many other times?

I think I’ve finally realized that I cannot do this on my own. I need help, dear friends. Today is my plea for accountability, and my request for ideas, suggestions, support, and physical help to make this happen. I HAVE TO LOSE WEIGHT. Maybe I’ll never be able to actually be on The Amazing Race, but I would really like to feel like I could if I wanted to.

I might be coming to some of you in the very near future. No more #$%&ing excuses for this girl. Let’s do this.