She's Baaaa-ack!

Hi Folks! It’s been a long time since I’ve written – mostly because my previous weight experiment went dismally, horribly wrong. I was embarrassed and sad. Ashamed. I felt like I had failed myself and all of you who were readers. Typical to form, I sabotaged myself by out-of-control eating, and am now just as heavy as I was before.

You know what’s really great, though? There’s this little thing called GRACE. Through the GRACE of my higher power, I know that I have another chance. I’m not giving up anymore – I’m going to take this second, third, (twentieth) chance and run with it. Hell, it might take me the rest of my life to get this healthy living right – but I’m going to keep trying.

The new goal is simple. JUST TRY. And if I fail again, I’LL TRY AGAIN. You read it here first, folks. The skinny girl inside is BAAAA-ACK… and she’s SCREAMING.

From Skinny to Rhombus

I just heard a comedian say that he has dated all sizes of women – from skinny to rhombus. That struck me as so clever, simply because I myself am shaped like a rhombus. 

 

 

Did you know that I used to be skinny? I weighed 110 lbs. when I graduated from high school. This, my darling friends, is the hardest part about being fat; knowing that I once was the opposite. I could go into ANY store and find clothes to fit me. I dated a very skinny boy once. We used to get bruises on our pelvic bones. Seriously.  I could wrap my hand around my wrist and my fingers would touch. I could climb stairs at will, all without heavy breathing, and could rehearse dance for hours without tire.

Friends once called me “The Body”. When I look at my physical condition NOW, it is next to impossible not to compare it with the beautiful body I had BEFORE.

 I’ve gone from skinny to rhombus.

Which brings me to the point of this post. In the interest of full disclosure, I wanted to let you know that I’ve made an appointment with a therapist. I am incapable of helping myself at this point, and I’m thankful to my sisters who finally pushed me in the right direction. When my sister commented that she “never wanted to come over and see me in bed again in the middle of the day”, I realized I really did have a problem. The problems that I’m having with my mind are directly affecting the problems I have with my body.

It’s time to get my house in order, friends. I’ve not lost more weight because I can hardly get out of bed in the morning, let alone get up to work out. I’ve not lost more weight because I’m not motivated to go to the grocery store, let alone look up recipes. I’ve not lost more weight because I give up on myself again, and again, and again. I am my biggest disappointment.

I want to go from rhombus to skinny.

Or at least smooth out the edges and go from rhombus to heart. Cause my heart and mind is what counts, right?  

 

Yeah, that’s a puppy with a heart. You’re welcome.

Mercy

Maybe that's what I need... just a little bit of mercy. I'm crying foul, sweet friends. There's a skinny girl inside me who is screaming, my life is a complete mess, and I'm really struggling.

I CAN'T GIVE UP.
I WILL NOT GIVE UP.
I REFUSE TO GIVE UP.

Don’t give up, I know you can see,
All the world and the mess that we’re making.
Can’t give up and hope God will intercede.
Come on back, imagine that we could get it together.

Stand up for what we need to be,
‘Cause crime won’t save or feed a hungry child.
Can’t lay down and wait for a miracle to change things,
So lift up your eyes, lift up your heart,

Singing, mercy will we overcome this?
Oh, one by one, could we turn it around?
Maybe carry on just a little bit longer,
And I’ll try to give you what you need.

Me and you, and you, and you just wanna be free,
But you see, all the world is just as we’ve made it;
And until we got a new world I’ve got to say,
That love is not a whisper or a weakness.

No, love is strong, so we got to get together.
Yeah, gotta get, gotta get, gotta get.
‘Til there is no reason to fight.

Mercy, will we overcome this?
Oh, one by one, could we turn it around?
Maybe carry on just a little bit longer,
And I’ll try to give you what you need.

Mercy, will we overcome this?
Have we come too far to turn it around?
Ask too much to be a little bit stronger,
But I wanna give you what you need.

Mercy, what will become of us?
Oh, one by one, could we turn it around?
Maybe carry on just a little bit longer,
And I’ll try to give you what you need.

Dave Matthews Band

$%&ing Excuses

Q: Why is it so hard for me to break these bad, unhealthy habits?

A: I’m mired in my own #$%&ing excuses and addictions.

 

I was talking with a friend the other day about how annoying it is for people to talk a good game but never follow through. While we were talking, I couldn’t help but think of myself and that I’m a perfect annoying example. I talk an awesome game. I never follow through.

I am a con-artist when it comes to losing weight.

Don’t get me wrong – I’m still down 10 Lbs from when I started. I got that far and just stopped, and I have so many #$%&ing excuses why:

                I had a really rough summer, emotionally.

                I was too busy to maintain a healthy lifestyle.

                I was experiencing issues with depression and found it hard to motivate myself.

                I was focusing on Jameson and not myself.

You know what the real reason is that I’ve not lost any more weight? I AM LAZY. It’s as simple as that. I LOVE BAD FOOD. Also very simple. I look at myself in the mirror and do not like what I see, but I cannot force myself to change. I want to be healthy, be in relationship, run and play games with my son, but I cannot force myself to move. Which begs the question… cannot, or will not?

I was recently watching a past season of The Amazing Race on the Kindle. I never thought about it before, but I realized that I COULD NEVER DO THAT. My buddy Becky could – she would rock that shit. My dear girls Dora and Sarah could bust that race out. Wendy would dominate and probably win the million. I was almost in tears, having finally come to the conclusion that I would never be able to make even one leg of that race.

 AND IT’S MY OWN DAMN FAULT.

So where do I go from here? How on earth can I succeed this time, when I’ve failed so many other times?

I think I’ve finally realized that I cannot do this on my own. I need help, dear friends. Today is my plea for accountability, and my request for ideas, suggestions, support, and physical help to make this happen. I HAVE TO LOSE WEIGHT. Maybe I’ll never be able to actually be on The Amazing Race, but I would really like to feel like I could if I wanted to.

I might be coming to some of you in the very near future. No more #$%&ing excuses for this girl. Let’s do this.

Lazy Bones

That’s what you can call me from now on, since I’ve gotten completely lazy and complacent over the past several weeks. I even ate fast food (gasp). I am pretty much sucking it up, diet wise. And by that, I mean sucking up all the food in my path (or so it seems). I’m not really sure what has triggered this recent bout of laziness, but I know for sure that it is NOT working out in my favor. I have not gained any weight back, but I’ve not lost one single pound.

I don’t plan my meals anymore at all. It’s just Jameson and I since my dad has been out of town, so I’m not cooking as much. Jamo eats like a bird, and only has about four things that he really likes to eat. Yes, it’s an excuse, but meal planning is very tricky when it’s only two of us. It’s so much easier to go for the easy meal – one that I can just grab at the store. 

My Tupperware collection is getting dusty. I am using plastic baggies almost exclusively, because I’m only bringing my breakfast to work; a bagel or dry cereal. I run home for lunch, get something at the grocery store, or eat something out of the dreaded vending machine. My employer is fairly concerned with health and wellness, so there are usually a couple good choices in the machine, but the temptation for Danish is right there in front of me.

And here’s the rub – I’ve committed to lose 40 L-B’s by…December! That’s the date of my next wellness appointment at my work, and I’ve made a promise to the lovely Katie. Gulp. As the administrator of our wellness exams, Katie is so kind and helpful, and I just couldn’t help myself. WHAT HAVE I GOTTEN MYSELF INTO?

Dieting, or changing one’s lifestyle, is often a hit-or-miss journey. As long as I keep trying to succeed, I believe occasional failure is just a stumbling block on this road to wellness. My biggest obstacle is MYSELF. I would like to ask you, my lovely readers, for your help. How can I be more accountable on this journey? I end up spending so much time alone, and I have no one to answer to! I seem to only be writing about failures lately, and I’d really love to put some positive numbers in the win column again. 

Let's Get (a) Physical

A couple of weeks ago I went to my doctor to get my first physical in three years (insert chastising comments here). It was... fun. No, really! My doc is one of the good ones - he jokes, he swears, he explains everything thoroughly, and he truly cares about me and my family. I was a little worried about what my blood tests would reveal, but as it turned out, I'm actually pretty... healthy. I know, right?

All the tests turned out within range. My family has a history of diabetes, but my blood sugar was great. My blood pressure was within normal range, as was my cholesterol. There were little to no red flags, in my opinion, and I think that Dr. Bobby (real name is Robert LeFevre out of Bronson) was pleased. He was also pleased with my weight loss strides, and was encouraging me to keep up the good work. Clearly my excess weight does affect my long-term health, but he was happy I was moving in the right direction. 

A suspicion about my thyroid was confirmed - and I was officially diagnosed with hypothyroidism. When Jameson was a baby I suffered a hyperthyroid attack, and it's pretty common to swing the other way once your thyroid realizes it's innate power. Not to worry, I've been prescribed medication to regulate my numbers, and will have a re-check in a few weeks. My mom had this same malady, and handled it without incident, so I'm not concerned. 

I also have an iron deficiency, and it's been suggested that I start an iron supplement. It will help my restless leg syndrome if I keep my levels up, which will in turn help me get a better night's sleep. 

All in all, I really was pleased with my appointment. Now on to the gynecologist. I have to find a new doctor in my area, but that visit I will not share.  

The moral of this story, my dearest friends, is to get your annual physical. YOU ARE WORTH IT. I was lucky that I didn't run up against more pressing health issues, having avoided this check-up for so long, and I want all of you to be lucky, too! 

Now, if I can only get Olivia Newton John out of my head, my day will be complete. 

Spring can really hang you up...

I had a really rough spring, as some of you know. May is, by far, the hardest month for me to handle, and it really kicked my ass this year. I ate too much food, sat around way too much, and drank too much as well. As a result I’ve gained back some of the weight I worked so hard to lose. I’ve been singing a song in my head for weeks now, and thought you might enjoy it. I like the Bette Midler version. It’s about love, but it means so much more to me.

Spring Can Really Hang You Up The Most

Once I was a sentimental thing;

threw my heart away each spring.

Now a spring romance

hasn’t got a chance.

Promised my first dance to winter.

All I’ve got to show’s a splinter

for my little fling.

Spring this year has got me feeling

like a horse who never left the post.

I lie in my room

staring up at the ceiling.

Spring can really hang you up the most.

Morning’s kiss wakes trees and flowers,

and to them I’d like to drink a toast.

But I walk in the park

just to kill the lonely hours.

Spring can really hang you up the most.

All afternoon the birds twitter-twitt.

I know the tune, this is love, this is it.

Heard it before

and don’t I know the score.

And I’ve decided that spring is a bore.

Love seems sure around the new year.

Now it’s April, love is just a ghost.

Spring arrived on time,

only what became of you, dear?

Spring can really hang you up the most.

Spring can really hang you up the most.

Love came my way, I thought it would last.

We had our day, now it’s all in the past.

Spring came along, a season of song,

full of sweet promise

but something went wrong.

Doctors once prescribed a tonic.

Sulfur and molasses was the dose.

Didn’t help one bit,

my condition must be chronic.

Spring can really hang you up the most.

All alone, the party is over.

Old Man Winter was a gracious host.

But when you keep praying

for snow to hide the clover,

spring can really hang you up the most.

So I know what I have to do to lose weight. I know what I have to do to get healthy and fit. I think the next step is getting my brain on track. My emotions continue to sabotage my success and I can’t fight a losing battle forever. Maybe it’s time to reach out to someone for help. It couldn’t hurt to get a healthy mind as well, right? 

Let’s chat soon about my recent physical and all that entailed. It was all good, but for now I’ll leave you with this song. Sing it for me, will you?