I Cannot

Today I just cannot breathe. Every time I try to take a deep breath, my body stops me, and I am in a constant state of quiet panic. This condition, my condition, is referred to as air hunger, which is described as, “respiratory distress marked by gasping, labored breathing or dyspnea.” I’m not hyperventilating; I’m struggling. My air hunger is caused by anxiety, and creates the ongoing and distressing feeling that I CANNOT GET ENOUGH FREAKING AIR.

Not everyone who suffers from depression and anxiety experience air hunger. Alternately, I do not have panic attacks or suicidal thoughts like others do. It’s really all just a crap shoot when it comes to these mental afflictions, and I understand that for some folks it’s very hard to decipher the differences, the idiosyncrasies, and the unique configurations of our minds. 

I'm aware that you might not understand, or that you might feel burdened by my bullshit... but if you can understand just one thing, it can be that today, I just cannot breathe. My chest and ribs hurt. I'm bloated. I am fracking exhausted. 

Dear friends, I’m not telling you about my air hunger because I want sympathy or coddling. There are others in this world in WAY worse shape than I, and in need of more help and consideration. I'm not trying to take anything away from other's suffering. No, the reason I’m sharing with you today is because, even with all my faults, flaws, and afflictions, I still have hope. I feel lucky because I can walk outside, feel the breeze on my face, see the sun in the sky, and smell the promise of summer. I am alive. I have friends. I can think, write, jump, run, and swim. I can do all of these things in spite of my ailments; and it’s up to ME to make my life one of enjoyment, not suffering.

No matter how much I feel like I cannot breathe; no matter how tired I am, I have full control over ME. Therefore:

I will laugh as much as I can.

I will love as deeply as possible.

I will be kind, even when it's hard.

I will not fake being happy, but when I can, I will BE HAPPY.

And I will damn well try to do these things every day.