Unfortunately I stepped on the fudging scale.
If you are anything like me, and on an incredibly hard journey to weight loss, stepping on the scale and seeing the same number every single day, or a pound or two more, is disheartening. When I kill myself in the gym and on the bike, and still the scale does not waver, it is demoralizing, to say the least. When I see that same frickin' number, over and over again, no matter how hard I try, I feel FAT AF.
Some of you may say, "What the french toast, Erin?"
I am surrounded by incredibly fit, healthy, muscular people. While I find it incredibly inspiring to be in their presence, it also bums me out to be the slowest person on our bike rides, or lifting lighter weights in BP, or not doing positions 2 & 3 in Spinning. I can't do a flicking burpee, for God's sweet sake. These dear, muscular, fit friends of mine are so encouraging and supportive, but in my mind I always add an unspoken addition at the end of their wonderfully uplifting sentences.
You're riding your bike so well (for how fat you are).
You are a beast in BP (for how fat you are).
You are swimming like a champ (for how fat you are).
You are killing it (for how fat you are).
So, in this forum, in front of all you witnesses, I'm saying fuck you, scale. Fuck you, voice in my head. Instead of feeling FAT AF when I step on that scale, I'm going to be FREE AF when I throw that fucking scale out the fucking window. Instead of adding that unspoken bullshit at the end of sentences, I'm going to only listen to what my friends are saying, and nothing more. Fuck being hard on myself. Fuck being hard on my friends. Fuck excuses. Fuck it all.
I've become so absolutely obsessed with losing weight, that my actual life is chore. I don't want to talk about it anymore. I don't want to make excuses anymore. I want to quit frick fracking whinging and get the fuck on with my life. Right now.
Can I be 100% honest with you here Erin? For almost 15 years I was anorexic. I at about 300 to at most 500 calories a day. It started out because I was always sporting in school, next a wedding, next a big run, next a break up, next fucking life. When I decided I wanted to live life it was to late. I did the damage to my body. My fucking fault, I get it. Now my struggles in life. I'm around the same fit people. I'm one of the slowest runners in my group. I'm the BodyPump instructor, the biggest in class, in front of the class for all to see my bad ass mother fucking fat. I'm a spinning instructor, in front of the class that can see how strong my big ass gluts are. I do HIIT classes to train like an athlete. Why? Am I going to the Olympics, noooooo. Do I love the way it makes me feel? Fuck yeah! I've been working out hard since I was 14 years old. Does it look like it? Maybe not on the outside, like I would like it to, but on the inside I'm 90% of the time good with myself-with my strength-with my POWER. Working out makes me feel fan-fucking-tastic, scales makes me sad.
ReplyDeleteThat's why I do what I do.