This Ain't for Sissies

It’s turning out to be a rough week for me. Perhaps I’m tired, maybe I’ve been pushing myself too hard, or maybe it’s because the 11^th of May is my mother’s birthday, and I miss her deeply and terribly. Maybe it’s because Mother’s Day is on the 14^th, and I just want to pull the covers up over my head.

Seems like it doesn’t take much to push me off-kilter. And damn if I’m not the most insecure person… that when I’m in one of these “moods,” I start to question myself, my friends, and my purpose. So I start to take drastic measures. I start trying to correct the things that are wrong, even though nothing is really WRONG. I turn into a blithering idiot and a big sissy.

I fabricate, I deprecate, I abdicate.

So this time around, rather than hiding in my room, eating a ton of fattening goodies, and drinking lots of beer, I’m changing it up. I’ve been riding my bike. Weeding hops. Taking walks. Eating LESS. The weird thing is, I still feel like I’m hiding, because I’m following relatively solitary pursuits. The difference it, being alone on my bike doesn’t make me feel like a jerk. Walking through the woods on my own doesn’t allow me to eat four donuts, and weeding in the quiet whisper of tall grass, and the rustle of hops doesn’t feel BAD. I’m alone, but it feels GOOD that I’m blessed to be so.

Please don’t get me wrong, or misunderstand – I still love my son, and love spending time with him. We still watch FaceOff on SyFy, go to movies, and even exercise together. We are still a team… but sometimes you don’t need a team to get shit done. Sometimes, when you’re having a rough time, and are trying to avoid pitfalls, you just need to man up on your own. 

I don't really know what else I can say right now, other than to assure you all that I'm holding firm. I've lost weight, and I feel too good to screw up again. I have inspiration and determination like never before. I'm holding firm. I may be holding firm by the fingertips, but that's OK.