Effusive

ef.fu.sive

adjective
1. expressing feelings of gratitude, pleasure, or approval in an unrestrained or heartfelt manner. 

Yesterday I was able to break my lockdown and run a couple of essential errands. Weirdly, I stayed in my car the entire time, but got a lot done.

My first stop was the grocery store. I ordered via my Fast Lane app and scheduled for pickup at 2 PM. Earlier in the day, Lisa, my Fast Lane shopper, called me to discuss what products were not available (TP, eggs, milk, natch) and suggested possible substitutions. Lisa was pretty awesome, and texted me a bit later letting me know my order was ready for pick-up.

The lovely Lisa brought my groceries to my car, and loaded them up for me. I didn't touch a thing - I didn't even have to sign for my order, since the store has bypassed that requirement. 

Next I went to the veterinarian. Georgie Girl has not been feeling well, and her vet gave us two options - drop off a urine sample of schedule an appointment. I opted to get a sample, so as not to stress out my girl. My vet has instituted some really awesome preventative measures, and again, I didn't have to leave my car.

A technician came out to get the sample, and told me I could wait for the results. I watched a couple of YouTube, and fifteen minutes later I received a call from the doctor with a diagnosis. They took my payment via phone, and brought out antibiotics. 

So why I am describing a fairly mundane day of errands? Because at both stops I was positively effusive with my thanks. 

These people are risking their health to help ours. Yes, everyone in the medical fields are on the front line, and they are positively saints. But these folks, these shoppers and technicians, these underdogs, are doing what they can to ensure we stay safe. 

Are the hoarders out there giving effusive thanks to the purveyors of toilet paper?

Do the selfish folks who refuse to shelter-in-place express their gratitude to those who stay at home? 

Are we doing our best to express our approval for simple acts of kindness?

My point isn't a hard one to grasp. Be effusive. Shower your thanks on people who are working hard to make our lives just a little easier. Be unrestrained and heartfelt when praising others. These are unprecedented and crazy times, so be as effusively thankful as you can be. 

Stay home, stay safe, and be well. 

Ennui

en.nui

noun
a feeling of listlessness and dissatisfaction arising from lack of occupation or excitement. 
“he succumbed to ennui and despair”

The year 2020 has been a bit crazy so far, and Michigan is now under a shelter-in-place order. There are many folks who are nervous and scared, and even some folks who have resorted to hoarding. How many rolls of toilet paper or bags of potatoes does one house need? Hopefully all the women out there are remembering feminine products! Our president, DT, is giving daily briefings which do nothing to assuage our fears or give us comfort. We are being assaulted on all sides by Facebook, Instagram, the daily news, and the unsolicited opinions of our acquaintances. 

I’m not surprised that some of us are suffering from ennui. It is very easy to become listless, bored, and dissatisfied with the world today. Every day I hear of another friend who is getting laid off or completely let go. I am trying to find a job in this crazy environment, and I feel anxious and a bit helpless. Even if I got a job, when would I even be able to start? There is very little for me to be excited about.

So how do I avoid succumbing to ennui and despair? 

1. I’ve begun playing Trump Bingo during his daily briefings. You can too! It’s fun, and also exciting to be able to call Bingo!

2. I am spending a lot of time outdoors. I love being in the woods or just sitting outside watching the dogs play. Fresh air is a commodity that cannot be hoarded and is in constant supply. 

3. I’m spending a lot more time with Jameson. I’m sure some of you have small kids who are annoying the hell out of you, but I encourage you to embrace this time that has been gifted to you. It’s not ideal, but it’s a chance to connect. 

4. I have been pushing myself to get out of bed and stay busy. I write lists and keep a notebook. It’s hard to be accountable, because I am constantly finding projects to occupy my time.

5. I am drinking. Not a lot, but a couple of cocktails help turn my mind off at night!

Friends, if you feel yourself falling into ennui, call me, write me, Skype with me, or text me. As someone who basically worships her bed, if I can grind it out every day, so can you. 

We are in this together. For better or worse, let’s at lease take care of each other (with a 6ft distance of course).

Empathy

em.path.y

noun

              the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.

I think it’s pretty hard to be an empath right now. There is so much crazy shit going on in the world, and all of us are being inundated with the fears of our friends and families. For some, there is the growing fear of COVID-19. Others are worried about Trump, and how he is leading our country. Some even have families in China, or Asian friends who are being wrongly targeted. Still others might be dealing with the anxiety and panic that comes with no warning.

I hear all of you. It’s tough to be overly emotional and to “take on” the woes of the world.

Here’s the thing about empathy, though – it can be dangerous if not managed. According to Psychology Today, “Too much empathy, sometimes known as empathy fatigue or compassion fatigue, can be detrimental to one’s well-being, and can interfere with rational decision-making…” In other words, being too empathetic can cause you to lead with your heart, and not with your head.

I’ve found that since social distancing and self-quarantine has progressed, I have spent more and more time on Facebook. I was so ashamed to have noticed the other day that TWO HOURS had passed while I was screwing around on my phone. I was so wrapped up in everyone else’s world, that I forgot mine was passing by. I was on my stomach, in my bed, commenting on everyone and their brother’s posts, while ignoring everything that is REAL.

I have empathy fatigue, man. I need a little emotional freedom.

OK, so I get the irony. I’ve written this and posted it on Facebook (insert long sigh here). With this post, I am also pledging to spend more time on writing, walking, riding my bike, laughing with Jameson, playing with my dogs, and cooking goodies. I promise to limit my Facebooking and concentrate on staying happy and healthy. Hey, it’s not that I don’t care about all of you… I just have to practice more self-care.

My heart is with you all. Stay safe and practice your own self-care.

Establishment

There are a couple of ways to use the word establishment. One is to define THE Establishment, which is a dominant group or elite that controls a nation or organization. I mean screw The Establishment, right?

The other definition is the one I choose to write about today:

es-tab-lish-ment

Noun

1. The action of establishing something or being established.

I, as a person, am established here on Earth as Erin Merritt. I’m also going to establish this new blog, “The E Word.” I didn’t want to start another Skinny Screamer and limit myself strictly to weight loss and other exercise shenanigans, although this iteration will include some of those elements. Rather, I just need an outlet. To be heard. To perhaps touch one person through honesty, raw truth, and self-deprecation.  So here it is – the establishment of The E Word.

I’m pretty sure that the shine is off the silverware, when it comes to “blogging.” The ship has sailed. However, it remains one of the best ways to express myself, and delude myself into thinking that people care, or will even read this drivel. It's been yet another rough year, and I just feel that sharing my triumphs and tribulations just might help someone else to be better, feel better, or just run in the opposite direction.

If you are reading, I’d love some suggestions of other E words to use. As always, The E Word will be Erin (me), expressing my love, anger, or ennui (a word to be used at a later date).

I Cannot

Today I just cannot breathe. Every time I try to take a deep breath, my body stops me, and I am in a constant state of quiet panic. This condition, my condition, is referred to as air hunger, which is described as, “respiratory distress marked by gasping, labored breathing or dyspnea.” I’m not hyperventilating; I’m struggling. My air hunger is caused by anxiety, and creates the ongoing and distressing feeling that I CANNOT GET ENOUGH FREAKING AIR.

Not everyone who suffers from depression and anxiety experience air hunger. Alternately, I do not have panic attacks or suicidal thoughts like others do. It’s really all just a crap shoot when it comes to these mental afflictions, and I understand that for some folks it’s very hard to decipher the differences, the idiosyncrasies, and the unique configurations of our minds. 

I'm aware that you might not understand, or that you might feel burdened by my bullshit... but if you can understand just one thing, it can be that today, I just cannot breathe. My chest and ribs hurt. I'm bloated. I am fracking exhausted. 

Dear friends, I’m not telling you about my air hunger because I want sympathy or coddling. There are others in this world in WAY worse shape than I, and in need of more help and consideration. I'm not trying to take anything away from other's suffering. No, the reason I’m sharing with you today is because, even with all my faults, flaws, and afflictions, I still have hope. I feel lucky because I can walk outside, feel the breeze on my face, see the sun in the sky, and smell the promise of summer. I am alive. I have friends. I can think, write, jump, run, and swim. I can do all of these things in spite of my ailments; and it’s up to ME to make my life one of enjoyment, not suffering.

No matter how much I feel like I cannot breathe; no matter how tired I am, I have full control over ME. Therefore:

I will laugh as much as I can.

I will love as deeply as possible.

I will be kind, even when it's hard.

I will not fake being happy, but when I can, I will BE HAPPY.

And I will damn well try to do these things every day.

Going Postal

There is a great scene in the movie The Sandlot, where Squints says, "And every summer there she is... lotioning, oiling, oiling, lotioning. I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!" It's a great expression of the inner turmoil some of us feel sometimes, and what I feel on the daily. No, I'm not hankering for Wendy Peffercorn, but I recognize how feelings can build, and continue building, until you just want to explode.

I've been explode-ready for a while now. There are times when I have such a head of steam building up that my chest is tingling and my brain is boiling. Sometimes I am so frustrated and tense that I can feel the anxiety rising up my chest and into my throat, making it next to impossible to breathe. 

Today is one of those days. 

Many of you know that I work in a "cube farm." We are basically all in one room, separated by cloth-covered walls. Most days my associates are respectful of the close quarters and monitor their voices accordingly. I myself am sometimes a culprit - I can be very loud at times, and really have to concentrate on taking it down a notch. Today is not one of those days. Today I can hear EVERYTHING; personal conversations, business meetings, and the song Thunder by Imagine Dragons for the FIFTY-SEVENTH TIME on the loudspeakers. Oh great. Now it's Piano Man. 

What in God's name am I supposed to do right now, short of ripping some unsuspecting soul's head off of their shoulders? What can I do RIGHT NOW to get out of this environment and not run screaming to Dairy Queen?

EXERCISE. 

I'm headed to the gym right now. Peace out, my brothers and sisters. If you see me there, don't be afraid... maybe just approach with caution. 

It's You: Edition Two

Continuing in my efforts to recognize those that are awesome, I give you the second installment of "It's not me, it's YOU." 

The Brian Edition!

Not all Brians are alike - some actually really suck - but I'm honored to know a couple of really exceptional ones. 

Brian Green - is a superhero. Wherever there is sadness, Brian will be there. Whenever darkness threatens, Brian will lend you his only lamp. Whenever a bicycle breaks, or a swimmer cramps, Brian will lend a helping hand. This Brian is a frickin' champ. The Green Machine, as he is fondly called, is truly someone who would lend you the shirt off his back while giving you pointers on how it should be worn for maximum warmth. Brian is, simply put, a rockstar. 

Brian Trudeau - is the greatest brother in all the land. He is the funniest, most charming, and most inclusive person; putting everyone at ease. This Brian makes funny faces, uses silly voices, likes playing board games, and loves sharing craft beer with all who enter his home. Brian T. is super passionate and throws his heart into what he loves, whether that be smoking meat, fly fishing, brewing beer, making his wife happy, or bribing his girls to play D&D. On top of all this, he sings a mean Toto. 

Brian Carroll - is a fantastic coworker, a rowdy team player, and a childlike golfer of discs. Brian swears like a craggy sea captain, doesn't take shit from anyone, and stands up for what he believes in. He is one smartass SOB, but is loved by all. Brian is a great friend - someone who is always in your corner, and always making people laugh. This Brian is especially magnificent because he acts all grouchy and tough, but has a secret gooey center. 

None of these Brians are "my" Brians. They have wives and other lives, but I'm so damned lucky to be able to spend the quality time with them that I do. I'm glad their families share these Brian gems with me (thank you Brenda, Amy, and Sarah!), and that I get to experience a small portion of what makes them so rad. So raise your glasses to these Brians (and ignore the crappy ones). Huzzah!